Dear Sam

Dear Samuel, 

Welcome to the world sweet boy! My heart is so full right now and I can't even think about the blessing you are without crying tears of joy. God was so gracious to have given us such a precious gift. And what an amazing gift you are to every member of this family. Jack and Audrey are just in awe of you and your dad and I feel so privileged to have you as our son.

Here's a little bit about your birth...

I was scheduled for a c section at 39 and 5/7 weeks, which was January 30th. Audrey was born via c section and therefore so were you to avoid any risks involving a uterine rupture. Dr Cox is a very conservative doctor. I considered going to another doctor who would allow me to have a natural delivery after a c section, but God never gave me peace about the decision. He did give me peace about staying with Dr. Cox, who had delivered 2 healthy babies for us before you. I admit I was disappointed to not go through labor and a natural delivery but God had other plans. 

We arrived at the hospital about 7 am with our bags in tow. We anticipated being put in a room like we were with Jack and Audrey. I guess a planned c section is different! We were told to take our bags back to our car and I was admitted and prepped in a curtained-off area. So much for privacy. :) Around 9:30 they took me back to the OR. Daddy was taken to "suit up" while they prepped me. I received a spinal block which actually was less painful than the epidurals I had received in the past. The nurses and anesthesiologist were very kind and patient with me. Daddy watched the whole surgery and even took some pictures of them pulling you out of my tummy. I was so surprised with how squeamish he can be. You were born at 9:59 am! You had a wonderful loud cry right when you were born. I cried tears of joy and my anxiety melted away. Dr. Cox always sings happy birthday to the babies he delivers. They weighed you. You were 8 pounds 5 ounces. I had guessed 8 pounds 7 ounces. You were the smallest of my babies! You measured 21.5 inches! My favorite part was your light colored hair! Jack and Audrey were both born with dark brown hair so it was fun to see you with blonde hair. It looks very similar to your daddy's hair when he was born. It will be so fun to see if it stays blonde or turns dark. I never imagined having a blonde baby! I love it so much. I was able to hold you while they stitched me back up. I couldn't stop kissing your face and thanking God for you. We then went to an observation area again with a curtain. We stayed there for a couple of hours and I continued to study your face. We finally made it to our room. I nursed you. After a bit they took you to give you your bath. I sent daddy with you. He said you did not like your bath one bit. After your bath you looked even more blonde. We rested in the room and I held you skin-to-skin. That is one of my most precious memories with all of my babies. Holding you on my chest and rubbing my chin on your sweet soft head. Jack and Audrey came to visit in the afternoon. They were so excited to meet you. Your name became Baby Sam very quickly. Audrey and Jack were in Heaven when holding you. Audrey kept asking for you back when Jack would hold you. Jack just touched your face and rubbed your hair. He was in awe. Audrey was very motherly and made sure to cover up your feet after she inspected them. You are one loved little boy Sam. 

We enjoyed our peaceful stay with you in the hospital, just you, me and daddy with nothing else to do but love you. Jack and Audrey stayed with Aunt Carolyn and Uncle Waylon. We are so fortunate to have such sweet family here in San Antonio who are your god parents as well. I admit I was sad to go home because I loved being able to focus solely on you with no other responsibilities or distractions. I think also knowing that you would most likely be our last baby, with everything it feels like it's the "last". The last time I'll hold my newborn baby for the first time, the last time I'll get to hear a baby's first cry, etc. You get the point. :) It's a grieving process I suppose. I keep trying to take snapshots in my mind to try to remember each moment. It's nearly impossible. I did the same with Jack and Audrey and somehow over time the memory fades. I suppose it's replaced by the sweet moments of seeing you grow and develop into a little man. And maybe this desire to remember is part of my motivation for taking so many pictures of you. 

Sam, you are loved by God and protected by Him as well. I would like to share a bit about the time prior to my pregnancy with you and your birth. When Audrey was about 2, we felt like God was leading us to have another baby. Tragically, we lost that baby on August 19, 2013 at about 5 weeks. We tried again and became pregnant a second time. But again we lost our baby on November 30, 2013 at 10 weeks. This was the Saturday right after Thanksgiving. But also right after we had spent the week with the Agners following the devastating tornado that destroyed their home. We were still in the hotel and planning to return home on Monday. I experienced what felt like full term labor. It was a devastating and very emotional experience. Daddy and I held our baby in our hands and grieved together. Following this loss, we decided to go to a doctor to get some testing done to see if there was something physically wrong with my body. All the while, we continued praying for a healthy baby. And came to realize that he had indeed answered that prayer twice by giving us two babies who were born directly into Heaven. After our testing came back clear, we felt peace again to try to have another baby. YOU! Needless to say, I was fairly anxious throughout the pregnancy and delivery. I trust the Lord whole-heartedly, but it would be a lie to say I was not worried or did not fear losing you. Your brother and sister prayed at every single meal and every single prayer time "Dear God. Please let the baby be healthy. (or healfy as Audrey would say)." I felt amazing peace when hearing their prayers. God hears the prayers of children and he appreciates persistent prayers and dependence on him. They were so inspiring to me to never give up praying. God did indeed cover you with his protective wings throughout the pregnancy. I fell off my bike early on and I was in a car accident around 36 weeks. I also did not get gestational diabetes which is almost unheard of when you have had it with a previous pregnancy. God answered our prayers abundantly. In the end, God answered my prayer 5 times over for a healthy child. Three are here with me today and two are waiting for all of us in Heaven. I have no idea if those children were boys or girls. In my mind I imagine the first baby as a girl with long blonde bouncy hair whom I named Abigail (meaning "father's joy or my father rejoices"). The second baby I named Amos (meaning "carried"). I imagined him (also with golden hair) joining his sister in Heaven and seeing her take his hand to show him the glorious place that Heaven is. I am just now realizing how sweet it is to see you with golden blonde hair after imagining them both with the same color. God, you are so sweet and gracious.

We chose your name for specific reasons. We read about how Hannah prayed for a child and God answered that prayer with her son Samuel. We also loved reading about Samuel’s faithfulness in serving the Lord throughout his life. Your name is very special to us. We also wanted to use Brandon because that was your maternal grandmother’s maiden name and my brother’s name.

Sam, my prayers for you are countless. I pray that you somehow you can grasp even a little bit of how much God loves and adores you. He allowed you to be born on this earth for a reason. Not just to bring your mother endless joy :), but for a very special purpose. In the end, it really is not complicated. It's simply to tell others about our amazing Lord Jesus and to bring God glory. I am confident you will do both of these. I pray that you become a believer of Jesus early on in your life and that you walk faithfully with Him all of your days. I pray for amazing health physically, mentally, and spiritually all of your days. I pray that you would know that God will never leave you and find joy in experiencing His faithfulness. I pray that you would rest in the peace of knowing your Savior all the days of your life. 

When I hear this song, it reminds me of how I feel about you Sam. I pray that you would know that God is faithful and you are never alone. He has protected you and walked with you thus far and I know He will continue to do that all of your days. 

I love you more than you will ever know. Love Mommy

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we’ve come

Knowing that for every step

You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You’ve done

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground

Seeing just how much You’ve done

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

Held within Your perfect peace

Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful